Thinking Of You
With this cold weather finally starting to settle in, it made me think of a letter I wrote to Rand back in 2003. I was working at Gucci at the time and remember sitting at my desk after work one night writing this on my computer. Rand was in Miami. Here it is:
Thinking of you…
On this freezing cold day in New York, when I’m finding it a bit hard to motivate and simply be myself—my thoughts drift to a man who entered my life on a warm September day, and a smile appears on my face. Knowing that this man loves me as I do him, brings a sense of purpose and drive to my spirit - a feeling of such bliss that only comes from the heart.
By writing these words and thinking of this blue-eyed man - the bitter cold and unwelcoming silence around me drifts away—allowing for a sense of warmth and comfort to engulf my entire being.
I can feel this man around me and the tears welling in my eyes are nothing less than wonderful tears of joy…for I have found the one man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. The one man who truly makes me happy and is able to fill my heart and my life with nothing but love.
This man is you Rand…and I love you more than I ever dreamed could even be possible.
I hope that if you find yourself in such a state - the thought of me loving you and the love that we share with one another will help to not only bring that gorgeous smile back to your face, but also bring this overwhelming sense of warmth and love to your mind, body and spirit that can only come from the heart.
From my heart to yours.
Your loving “T”
When I got to Miami that weekend, Rand had this in a beautiful silver frame next to his side of the bed. He asked me read it to him out loud that night before we went to sleep. This framed letter always stayed by his bedside. When we left Miami and moved back up north it came to the New York apartment. When we bought The Raven and started spending more time out in PA, it came with us.
When Rand started working back at Solgar and our time together became more infrequent than we were used to, he would often ask me to read this letter to him before we said good night on the phone. He knew every word by heart as I could often hear him whispering the words along with me.
The last time I read this to Rand was on July 3rd 2008 – the last full day of his life. He had been under hospice care for a week at this point and it was just a matter of hours before everything was over. I never stopped talking to him during this week even though he was no longer able to open his beautiful blue eyes or speak back in that adorable Rand voice.
When I read these words to him that day, however, a small tear fell down his cheek. At that point I knew that he had been able to hear me all along and my fear of him feeling alone slipped away. Less than twelve hours later Rand would take his last breath and open those perfectly blue eyes one last time to see me holding him and telling him I loved him. It was exactly the way he wanted it to happen.
Three days later this letter was read at his funeral service in New York that was attended by over 700 people. As I heard my words being spoken, a rose petal from the flower arrangement on either side of Rand’s coffin slowly fell to the floor in front of me…just like that tear on his face. Rand was still with me, listening, just as he is today.
One more day –
T
. . .and the tears rolled down MY face as I read this beautiful tribute to Rand. May the love you had for each other continue into eternity. . .
Dear Terrence,
i met you at Rand’s funeral….what can i say.
He was the greatest, and you are doing a great job for honorin him.
I am sure he is proud of you.
Thank you for all,
Good Luck and best wishes
Me and All Solgar Italy staff
Terrence,
You were each other’s forever love…and soul mates.
I can remember often, you telling me how Rand would want you to read this letter to him when you were apart and I could then, as I do now, almost see his smile over the phone line to you! I also remember you telling your sister and me that night that you had read your letter to Rand ...I wonder; was that before or after you two had ‘your last dance’?!
You were a beautiful gift to each other…and you both continue to keep that gift of giving alive for so many others. You are so brave and so generous to share such a part of your heart with us, honey.
I love you,
Mom
Terrence, these words moved me as much today as they did at Rand’s funeral. He is still with you and us everyday I hear his voice in my mind and yes I too imagine that charismatic smile that was ‘so Rand’. It would have been his birthday tomorrow - mine too - so I will have a glass of wine and toast his fond memory and give thanks he had you (a very special person) in his life.
Love
Denise
Simply beautiful….thank you for sharing this with us.